kitchen tools

you will remember that the fat man was yet again without somewhere to run his business from. so he went in search of somewhere. one day he met a young girl. she has her own story. she witnessed a murder by bad men and had to flee from where she lived, because she helped the sheriff there lock the bad men up. the young girl had a sister who was twelve years old. the young girl also had a flat where she lived with her sister. the fat man thought this would make a nice place to sell his powders and potions and tablets from.

so he set about wooing the young girl. she was tired and scared so she let the fat man into her life because she thought he would look after her. soon the fat man had given her a baby. the young girl was tiny and as thin as a bird and scarcely old enough to look after herself and her sister. but she loved the baby and looked after it carefully and it grew and grew and thrived. the fat man set about selling his powders and potions and tablets. life went on. sometimes the fat man got angry with the young girl and hit her. sometimes he hit her sister. but mostly they muddled along all right.

the fat man's sales operation went well. he had to keep it a secret from the sheriff so he got the young girl's sister to work for him. he gave her a very important job. she was a runner. this did not involve an awful lot of running. mostly it involved carrying powders and potions and tablets, wrapped up in gossamer, in places where the sheriff and his men would not find them if they happened across the young girl. the fat man also had another runner. he was a young boy who was fourteen. his job was to carry the money that the fat man's customers paid for the powders and potions and tablets.

one day there was a knock at the door. it was the sheriff. the fat man was out. the young girl did not know what to do, so she let the sheriff in. the sheriff was not alone. he had his men with him. they looked around the flat. it did not take long as the flat was very small. but in the bathroom one of the sheriff's men found a package. it contained something wrapped in gossamer. he placed it in a special container so he could have it tested by the clever scientists.

the package was not the only thing that the sheriff's men found. in the kitchen they found a sword. behind the door they found a cudgel. just then the young boy returned to the flat. the sheriff's men wanted to have a little chat. they asked him to show them what was in his pockets and the young boy drew out a great deal of money. the money was folded in a magical way, to keep away evil spirits, in little bundles with one note wrapped round the others.

the clever scientists tested the package. they told the sheriff that it was powders and potions and tablets. they tested the gossamer. they said it had been in a very private place inside the body of the young girl's sister. but the sheriff could not prove that the fat man had anything to do with any of it. the young girl had learned her lesson about what happened if you helped the sheriff. so she said she didn't know anything about any of it. the young girl's sister said the same. but the fat man could see that his days at the young girl's flat were numbered. now the sheriff knew about the powders and potions and tablets he would be keeping an eye on the place. so the fat man went off into the world to find a new place to sell his wares.

the young girl was left with the baby and her sister. but at least no-one was hitting her.

the lion tamer

once upon a time there was a man. he was not very tall but he was very fat. he had rather a doleful face, framed by rather uninspiring dreadlocks. he looked like a buddha on a bad day.

the fat man wanted to make a lot of money without breaking into a sweat. he decided he would sell powders and potions and tablets. but he was too lazy to learn about medicine and become a doctor. so he had to sell his wares without the sheriff finding out. the sheriff did not like people selling powders and potions and tablets unless they were doctors.

first the fat man had to find somewhere to sell his wares from. he did not want people coming to his own front door. some of the people who buy powders and potions and tablets from people who are not doctors are not so nice. eventually he found had a nice flat. well, it wasn't his flat. it was rented by a lady. she had a boyfriend who was not such a nice guy. he was prone to hitting people who didn't do what he wanted. sometimes he hit them with a hammer. this made quite a mess on the floor of the flat. one time he hit someone on the stairs up to the flat. the neighbours did not like this. there was a large pool of blood.

it was not just the blood that got the neighbours down. it was also the noise. sometimes the noise would just be music. but often it was the sound of fighting. one time a band of men came to the flat and smashed it up. the neighbour upstairs had a little boy who was terrified. she had to leave her home and move to somewhere quiet.

eventually the sheriff took the lady and her boyfriend away to the castle for a little holiday with the queen. her flat was locked up. this left the fat man with nowhere to sell his powders and potions and tablets. so he found another lady. she had a house. this made selling the powders and potions and tablets much easier. people could just pull up in their cars and beep their horn. they didn't even have to get out of the car. business was good. people came to buy powders and potions and tablets all day and all night. the only problem was the beeping of horns woke up the neighbours. that and the fighting.

one of the neighbours was a very brave man. he had been a soldier, and had fought at a famous battle in a famous war. after that the man had been a lion tamer and had sailed the seas with a travelling circus. but even the lion tamer was frightened by the fat man and his friends.

the sheriff came to hear about this. it did not seem fair to him that a man who had fought in a famous battle and travelled the world with lions should not be able to grow old in peace. the sheriff and his men took the magic battering ram and went to pay the lady a visit.

the lady quite clearly was not expecting them. she had not put the kettle on. they found all sorts of interesting things. the lady had not had time to tidy up. there were blades and mirrors and strange lamps and tiny furnaces. there were piles of powders and potions. there were children's toys and clothes, and a collection of very pretty dolls.

and there was a letter from the lady's daughter, who had been taken away by the kind ladies to live with some people who would feed her. in the letter her daughter wrote that she was sad and that she missed her mother and cried at night. the ink in the letter was smudged where someone had put a drink on top of it.

the lady was taken away in a van for a holiday with the queen. her house was closed up with big metal shutters on the doors and the windows. the very pretty dolls sat in a row in the dark bedroom, like dancers waiting to go on stage.

yet again the fat man was left in the lurch. he was beginning to think life had it in for him.